| DVD Update Volume III |
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| 01:42am 13/10/2010 |
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Purchases 692-710
1. UFC 105: Couture vs. Vera
2. Death Warrior: Presented by Tap Out
3. The Collector
4. American Psycho
5. The Decent 2
6. Damage
7. Ponyo
8. Starship Troopers
9. Starship Troopers: Hero of the Federation
10. Starship Troopers: Marauder
11. The Muppet Movie
12. The Lovely Bones
13. Shawn Michaels: My Journey
14. Hart&Soul: The Hart Family Anthology
15. Wrestlemania XXIV
16. Sherlock Holmes
17. Ninja Assassin
18. The Lord of the Rings: Return of The King |
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| DVD Update Volume II |
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| 05:27am 12/10/2010 |
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Purchases 681-691:
1. Unrivaled: Presented by Tap Out
2. The Count of Monte Crisco
3. Turistas
4. A Nightmare on Elm Street
5. A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2
6. A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 3: Dream Warriors
7. A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 4: The Dream Warrior
8. A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 5: The Dream Child
9. Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare
10. Wes Craven's New Nightmare
11. UFC 104: Machida vs. Shogun |
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| DVD Update Volume I |
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| 01:22pm 11/10/2010 |
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Author's Note:
I generally do the personal entries on Facebook so I'll tag you guys in those when they're put up.
Due to the fact I've bought SOOOOOOO many since the last time I did this months ago, this shall be done in volumes!
Here are purchases 661-680:
1. Black Dynamite
2. Soriety Row
3. UFC 107: Penn vs. Sanchez
4. Urban Legend
5. Urban Legend: Final Cut
6. Urban Legend: Bloody Mary
7. Weird Science
8. Goodfellas
9. UFC 101: Declaration
10. Cowboy Bebop: The Complete Collection
11. Royal Rumble 2010
12. The Vampire's Assistant: Cirq Du Freak
13. Paranormal Activity
14. Alien
15. Aliens
16. Alien 3
17. Elimination Chamber 2010
18. Stephen King's Christina
19. Stephen King's Riding The Bullet |
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| DVD Update |
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| 03:37am 16/02/2010 |
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1. Bragging Rights 2009
2. Survivor Series 2009
3. Bam Margera Presents: Where The $#%# Is Santa?
4. Hulk Hogan: The Unreleased Collector's Edition
5. The Reader
6. The History of The World Heavyweight Championship
7. My Sister's Keeper
8. The Best of Smackdown (1999-2009)
9. Up
10. Sleepy Hollow
11. Drag Me To Hell
12. State of Play
13. Julie and Julia
14. Charlie's Angels
15. Jennifer's Boy
16. The Marine 2
17. A Perfect Getaway
18. UFC: Ultimate 100 Greatest Fight Moments
19. Survivor Series Anthology Volume I (1987-1991)
20. The Sweetest Thing
21. The Silence of The Lambs
22. TLC 2009
23. The Final Destination in 3D
24. Saw IV
25. District 9
26. Iron Man
27. Smokin Aces
28. Smokin Aces 2: Assassin's Ball
29. The Unborn
30. Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself
31. The Stepfather (2009)
That brings my awesome total up to 660! |
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| I Need a Hero... |
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| 03:47am 17/01/2010 |
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Can't really sleep with my mind racing back to one constant worry I don't care to elaborate on at the moment. This song currently strikes a chord deep within me so..
"Hero"-Skillet
I'm just a step away
I'm just a breath away
Losing my faith today
Falling off the edge today
I am just a man
Not superhuman
I'm not superhuman
Someone save me from the hate
It's just another war
Just another family torn
Falling from my faith today
Just a step from the edge
Just another day in the world we live
I need a hero to save me now
I need a hero, save me now
I need a hero to save my life
A hero will save me just in time
I've gotta fight today
To live another day
Speaking my mind today
My voice will be heard today
I've gotta make a stand
But I am just a man
I'm not superhuman
My voice will be heard today
It's just another war
Just another family torn
My voice will be heard today
It's just another kill
The countdown begins to destroy ourselves
I need a hero to save me now
I need a hero, save me now
I need a hero to save my life
A hero will save me just in time
I need a hero to save my life
I need a hero, just in time
Save me just in time
Save me just in time
Who's gonna fight for what's right?
Who's gonna help us survive?
We're in the fight of our lives
And we're not ready to die
Who's gonna fight for the weak?
Who's gonna make 'em believe?
I've got a hero, I've got a hero
Living in me
I'm gonna fight for what's right
Today I'm speaking my mind
And if it kills me tonight
I will be ready to die
A hero's not afraid to give his life
A hero's gonna save me just in time
I need a hero to save me now
I need a hero, save me now
I need a hero to save my life
A hero will save me just in time
(I need a hero)
Who's gonna fight for what's right?
Who's gonna help us survive?
(I need a hero)
Who's gonna fight for the weak?
Who's gonna make 'em believe?
I've got a hero
I need a hero
A hero's gonna save me just in time |
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| Yoinked From Ket! |
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| 02:49pm 16/01/2010 |
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Leave a ONE WORD comment that you think best describes me. It can only be one word. No more than one word. Then copy & paste this post to your own journal so I can leave a word about you |
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| Hitting Rock Bottom, Bouncing Back, Realizing I've Always Had What I Wanted |
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| 05:10am 16/01/2010 |
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It's only at night now that it haunts me.
Needless to say the events of the past two weeks were far from the grandiose visions I had for how my 2010 was going to begin. One might even say they were less than ideal. Ah no matter how I might choose to describe, it happened and now I am left to deal with gluing the pieces back together and for once, keeping them intact so I can ascend to the level I truly believe I am destined to reach.
First things first, as made obvious by that change in my relationship status, I am once more single. However unlike the first break up with a mentally unstable citizen, this time I remain best friends with one of the best people I've had the pleasure of knowing. Really to sum it up since it's just between the two of us, things simply didn't work out between Christina and I. As far as I know we're still friends and things won't change too much and for that I am extremely grateful for.
Now that didn't spur the incident that took place right after this break up. The only person at fault was your humble author, a fact I merely want to make clear for accuracy's sake. Not to mention this incident wasn't a new story, not in the least bit. It's one I'd written for myself multiple times with the outcome never changing all that much. After we celebrated the incoming New Year, I was left to my own devices and it spiraled into the same tale of self-loathing, pity, hatred, the whole shebang.
A.D.D. moment: Shebang reminds me how long it's been since I've gotten laid. Sorry for being so blunt but it's true. Very, very sad but true. :'(
Essentially my depression kicked my ass. Logic, common sense, and reality went out the door and I felt lost and defeated, not to mention alone. Believe me when I write it was a terrible situation, convincing myself that the situation was utterly hopeless; that nobody would understand or care what I was going through. Like a kid that returns to the hot stove, forgetting it's on and hot, I burned myself with the thoughts of suicide. Yes, I went THERE AGAIN. I was so far gone that I convinced myself that was once again the only solution to my problems, that I would be doing the masses a huge favor by checking out on my own terms. I'd be out of my misery and I would unburden them with my existence. Now is any of that true? FUCK NO. But when you have the type of depression I do, there doesn't have to be one single reason to wind up in that thought process. It just happens and the error I made was not reaching out. I was raised by my Dad to be tough and carry all that weight on my shoulders, that these feelings were through my own fault so I deserved the fall out that proceeded them. While he has since realized the error in his thinking and is far more supportive now than ever before, it was still nearly impossible to un-train my mind all he had placed in it.
A.D.D. Moment: Oh shit! I really should go check and make sure I haven't left the stove and/or oven on where I am located at the moment! Not only because burning down a house, least of all one that isn't mine, isn't a good thing but also I don't want this getting clicked off without being saved. What a bitch that would be to try and recapture the motivation to pour my heart and soul out for those I plan on tagging. Be right back.....
Whew. Glad I wasn't THAT absent minded! Now where was I...
Oh yes. So after shelving sleep in favor of making the decision to kill myself, the aforementioned break up occurred and I went ape shit crazy. I honestly couldn't even tell you what I said as I made 'good bye' phone calls to Mama Storm and one Matt Moore. I didn't realize it then but looking back now it was there it was made clear to me that all I had ever spent time wishing I had, was in my possession and I was too bogged down with the darkness to not appreciate it, let alone see it. You see Matt and his girlfriend Steph saved me from making a tragic mistake, the ultimate action of which there literally was no return from. Just talking me, calming me put the kibosh on what I was dead set on doing. As always I was never exactly sure what was I would do to terminate myself but the intent was there and they were there for me when I apparently needed someone the most. By the time I had cried myself into exhaustion, the authorities had once again been called and I knew the song and dance I was about to commence in.
I won't bore you guys too much with those details again. I was placed in one of those ugly gowns and once more stripped of my socks. I really, really fail to see why that's even necessary. Yes, I had intent to harm myself but how could I with fucking socks? I can't pull it over my head to smother myself and as big as my feet are, hanging is out of the question! *Sigh*. I digress. Anywho, I also went through the routine of having to talk to the poor soul they probably nabbed going down the hall about what brought me back to their palace. Normally that's where the story would have ended, me feeling a bit better but still in a bit of denial about what I ultimately had to deal with. This time though.. a light off in my head, something telling me I needed more this time if I was to ever truly deal with whatever was causing me to constantly rinse and repeat in regard to my depression battle. So I grabbed the situation by the balls and made the only decision I could at that point..
A.D.D. Moment: It's entirely possible that light that went off in my head was just someone's timer going off alerting them their microwave popcorn was ready for consumption.
I voluntarily checked myself into their psych ward/mental health unit. I'm not ashamed to put that into print because it was the best decision I've ever made for my long-term health and mental stability. Prior to placing my self in an educational situation I looked at my depression as something I had to beat and do so in a quick fashion or else I was a failure. Through every group session I attended I came to realize this was a sickness, something I would have to put in effort to control and maintain every single day I awake and face the day. Most importantly during my week stay (January 1st-January 8th) something filled me deep within that hadn't ever before when I had broken down: hope. I fully believe something spiritual came from wherever it inhabits and told me it was all going to be okay and that all I had sought out of life had been right underneath my nose the entire time. That being love and support from everyone I know and love. Whether it's Matt, Erin, Jeff, Lauren, Christina, Jarrod, Courtney, Ket, Annice, Tausha, Gennie, Manda, Joe, Rene, countless others, and my family there are countless others who have made it crystal clear that I matter to them and that I make a positive impact on their lives. That isn't a call for ego stroking, it's just that when you get to the line of thinking I did, keeping that in perspective can prove to be difficult if not impossible.
No longer though. Every day I have been blessed to be alive for since my release has been seen as a brand new twenty-four hour period for me to make something happen, big or small, that enhances the experiences I have in this lifetime. I have spent countless wasted seconds, minutes, months, years feeling as if I had to be someone else to gain acceptance or happiness when the truth is who I am is good enough for me and those that know me. I have complete understanding, more so than the last time I expressed this sentiment, that I have in my possession the power to dictate what matters most, what setbacks actually matter in the long run. It begins and ends with me. Sure in the future I will have those bad days but the major difference is I shall reach out to those that care/matter, I will take a deep breath and assess each and every situation that comes and doesn't yield a result featuring rainbows and bunnies, take my mind off the grind and get right back into the proverbial fight.
I can finally look in the mirror every day and be one hundred percent satisfied with what I see. I only know how to be me and that's all I plan on being until my number's called and I move on to wherever one that believes in an after life goes to. Before that time comes though, I will fulfill my dreams, realize what seemed so out of grasp during the dark periods, and leave something for everyone to remember me by in a positive fashion. What a tragic thing it would be if I tarnished the positive aspects of my life by taking my own life; that's all anyone would remember, not to mention most would probably would never be able to forgive me for being cowardly and selfish. My life is a damn good one all considering and I thank God for what I've had, what I do have, and for granting me the chance to obtain what I want.
Thank you to everyone that has stuck by me, endured so many of my battles with my own mind, and continue to support, and love me. This is the final chapter in my suicide war and the beginning chapter in the re-birth I have wanted to undergo for so long.
Yes I did begin this indicating at night I am haunted by what happened on December 31-January 1. I worry things between Christina and I may have changed to where things may never go back to 'normal'. The one day I was able to see her after getting discharged, we had a very good visit brief as it was and I hope it remains that way in subsequent meetings. And silent doubt lingers inside of me whether or not I can pull this off and manage the depression beyond what I had been doing with therapy and medication; however those thoughts are quashed with something soothing, something telling me yes I can succeed, yes I can achieve my goals, and yes I can have peace of mind every day, no matter what I encounter along the way.
I am Matt Storm, and I intend to be a winner, someone's F'N Idol.
I'll let the Gin Blossoms and Akon close this one out
"Found Out About You"-Gin Blossoms
All last summer in case you don't recall
I was yours and you were mine, forget it all
Is there a line that I could write
Sad enough to make you cry?
All the lines you wrote to me were lies
Months roll past, the love that you struck dead
Did you love me only in my head?
Well the things you said and did to me
Seemed to come so easily
The love I thought I'd won you give for free
Whispers at the bus stop
I heard about nights out in the school yard
I found out about you
I found out about you
Rumors follow everywhere you go
Then you left and I was last to know
Well you're famous now and there's no doubt
All the places you hang out
They know your name and know what you're about
Whispers at the bus stop
I heard about nights out in the school yard
I found out about you
I found out about you
Street lights break on through the car window
And the time too often on AM radio
Well you know it's all I think about
I write your name, drive past your house
Your boyfriend's over, I watch your light go out
Whispers at the bus stop
I heard about nights out in the school yard
I found out about you
I found out about you
Whispers at the bus stop
I heard about nights out in the school yard
I found out about you
I found out about you
I found out about you
"So Paid"-Akon feat. Lil'Wayne
Akon]
rubbin' on that Italian leather
them Konvict jeans on
ay yo Weezy you ready
yea
[Chorus]
I get it in til the sun rise
doin 90 in a 65
windows rolled down screamin out
ay ay ay I'm so paid
number 1 hustler gettin' money
why you wanna count a nigga money
I'm a hustler don't need nann one of y'all see
I'm so paid
I see police on the crooked eye
doin a 100 on Interstate ninety-five
my shorty leanin, blastin that do or die
pushin that motherfuckin wood cuz we certified
got a system that'll beat and knock your wall off
got a pump under my seat, the sawed-off
got a bunch of goons hope they never call off
and my snipers sittin on the roof already saw y'all
ain't too much that put a strain on me
thats the reason why I have to put the blame on me
[Chorus]
I get it in til the sun rise
doin 90 in a 65
windows rolled down screamin out
ay ay ay I'm so paid
number 1 hustler gettin' money
why you wanna count a nigga money
I'm a hustler don't need nann one of y'all see
I'm so paid
I'm the boss it only takes one call
for a driver to hit you up and dump you off thats all
guess what
I won't be takin that fall
homie I got cake thats what I'm payin them for
haha
ain't that funny
cuz niggas they want war but ain't got money
cuz I seen them all talk until they start gunnin
quicker than Usain Bolt
the fastest thang runnin
yea
Akon Weezy (echoed)weezy
Block Royal holdin down Jersey
Devon makin sure we gettin it up front
my lil brother boo got that vision baby
[Chorus]
I get it in til the sun rise
doin 90 in a 65
windows rolled down screamin out
ay ay ay I'm so paid
number 1 hustler gettin' money
why you wanna count a nigga money
I'm a hustler don't need nann one of y'all see
I'm so paid
[Lil Wayne]
ah hem, big money Weezy
white wife beater with the sig underneath it
how do I feel bitch I feel undefeated
snap my fingers disappear from the precinct
y'all house
only to find out you live in a doll house
damn
but I thought you was tough though
we carry choppers on our necks
call it cut throat
we, bury cowards on the set
that they come from
we, know magic turn
weed smoke to gun smoke
we, ball first when we ride
you, in a hearse when you ride
ey
I put my shoe down baby
and I'm holding down Young Mula baby
thats why
[Chorus]
I get it in til the sun rise
doin 90 in a 65
windows rolled down screamin out
ay ay ay I'm so paid
number 1 hustler gettin' money
why you wanna count a nigga money
I'm a hustler don't need nann one of y'all see
I'm so paid |
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| Writer's Block: Reflections |
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| 03:46am 29/12/2009 |
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My high points? Falling in love with Christina, someone who knows me, loves me, and actually appreciates me. And really re-discovering who I am and what I want out of life; most importantly how to get there my way without second guesses or doubt cast upon me by outsiders.
The low point? Wasting any time with Julia after she squeezed me for all I was worth to her and then dumping me like a sack of trash. Why I bothered trying to maintain a "friendship" with such a hateful, narrow minded twit is beyond me. The end result? Just as much angst and regret she caused me while we were together.
Do I wish I could do it all over again? Nah. It all happened for specific reasons. |
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| MASSIVE DVD Update |
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| 02:41am 19/12/2009 |
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Would any of my loyal readers believe the last time I did one of these entries was on July 31? Amazing! Now you would think that would be because I haven't bought any new movies since then but if you read on you'll discover how sadly mistaken you'd be!
I have amassed the following DVDs since the 31st. Some you'll probably cyber high five me for obtaining and others you'll just shake your head and wonder. That's the beauty of life Daddy!
1. His Name Was Jason
2. Last of The Mohicans
2. Friday The 13th: Deluxe Edition: Un-Cut
3. Friday The 13th Part 3: 3D
4. The Bash 2009
5. The Last House On The Left (2008 remake)
6. Friday The 13th Part 2
7. UFC 97: Redemption
8. UFC 98: Evans vs. Machida
9. Wrong Turn
10. Midnight Movie
11. The Rise&Fall of WCW
12. Night of Champions 2009
13. Friday The 13th (2009)
14. Friday The 13th Part 9: Jason Goes to Hell
15. Jason X
16. Jason vs. Freddy
17. Dexter: The 3rd Season
18. Fringe: The Complete First Season
19. Gran Torino
20. Harper's Island
21. Wrong Turn 2: Dead End
22. Summerslam 2009
23. Breaking Point 2009
24. Thunder Cats: Season 1, Vol. 1
25. UFC: The Best of 2007
26. The Descent
27. Halloween II
28. Halloween III: Season of the Witches
29. Thunder Cats: Season 1, Vol. 2
30. Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead
31. Orphan
32. Friday The 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter
33. Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers
34. Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers
35. Friday The 13th Part 6: Jason Lives
36. Unforgiven
37. Vacancy
38. The Bucket List
39. Fistful of Dollars
40. For a Few Dollars More
41. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
42. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
43. Hell in a Cell 2009
44. UFC 99: The Comeback
45. Public Enemies
46. The Haunting in Connecticut
47. The Quick and The Dead
48. Hell in a Cell: The Greatest Hell in a Cell Matches of All Time
49. Inglorious Basterds
50. UFC 100: Making History
That brings my grand total to 625!
Matt |
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| A Work (Or is it Disaster?) In Progress: Blessed Thanks, Damnation, Loathing, and Loving... |
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| 02:15am 28/11/2009 |
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Thanksgiving, perhaps this entire week allowed me to sit back and just take a moment to fully soak in appreciation (though perhaps that was turkey juice as applied by my Mama who may have turned cannibal for all I know.. males aren't recognized in museums for being terribly observant and I fall into that category with honor and dignity) for everyone I have in my life and all that I've experienced. We as a society move such a break neck pace anymore because we've always got somewhere to be, something to do, something to prove to people that in the long run just don't, won't matter in the grand scheme of this mystery we like to apply the word life to; so much that only on certain days do many of us take the time to really think about everything and place it into proper perspective. Personally speaking it is something I am striving to master because it's everything that is outside of my head that I fully comprehend and love.
This therapy experiment has unlocked many doors to the thoughts that often leave me feeling incomplete and unworthy of just about anything positive one could conjure up with creativity and some scented markers.. and there lies the problem.. I almost treat it as a high tech video game (soon to be made available on X-Box 360 because I <3 that system now) where I really desire cheat codes to get to the next level until I have full fledged peace of mind and the contentedness I envy so many for having in their lives. But those damn doors never seem to stop unlocking and for every step forward I make in shedding the demons that bring me angst it always appears at the end of each session there's ten steps being taken backward.. some other issue to confront and face down when I don't feel as if I am worth the good doctor's time nor do I often feel I have the strength to be doing so. I am constantly torn between living in the moment, taking it all day by day and looking ahead to the future; Do I really see myself going all the way with this? Will anyone be accepting of who I want to become on a full time basis and if they are at first, what will keep them from changing their minds? After all we're all entitled to do so and that is what scares me the most.
I'll absolutely be the first to concede that deep down I have yet to find a consistent basis of self-esteem. Most souls can awake in the morning feel good about themselves without a single doubt or second thought. Me? I look long and hard into the mirror and engage in a drawn out mental battle that there are things and people worth living for, there is something for me to ultimately discover and leave my mark while I still have the time to. I intend on being remembered by as many people as possible before my death occurs. And this is where Thanksgiving really played a hand in opening up my eyes fully to my surroundings and realizing I have it pretty fucking good all considering.
Thursday I discarded these thoughts and just enjoyed myself. It wasn't hard to considering the yearly traditions at my Mama's were in full force. Her yelling at the television set, once more complaining about the lack of camera time for balloons during the parades (when will she learn those damn liberal networks love to showcase themselves? Charlie Brown be damned!) as I popped in the classic "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" before being besieged with more food than a single person should have to consume if they didn't have the insane metabolism I have. Precious moments that not everyone has the blessing to engage in and that keeps me from looking down the barrel of what would be my weapon of choice if I weren't getting better. My Mama has been the rock behind my recovery and I will never evvvver be able to do enough to repay her. Of course if she was in fact attempting to cook me that day then I will be placing a call to the adoption agency she got me from and wondering just what kind of background checks they employ at that shack! This isn't to say I wouldn't be delicious but come on!
Anyway, that sentimental thinking snowballed into that night when I went to Christina's house for what wound up being meal #2. Here this family gladly accepted my company and really seemed to enjoy it. I have to be honest I find it amazing they did and that so many people also do and feel the same way. I don't see what any of you see but rest assured I treasure it with all I can because who am I to argue? To me I'm just some person that does what he does, thinks as he does, and dances as if tomorrow just isn't going to arrive. This manifests into love for me, compliments, and affection, again of which appreciation for can not be properly put into written word but there's that nagging feeling it could be all wasted on yours truly. That is the notion I battle in therapy and what an ongoing struggle it is. Do you guys realize what a pain in the ass it is to be in constant battle with yourself and your own mind? I have to sleep in the same bed as myself on the nights I hate me and I hog the covers, sometimes snore, and worst of all fall asleep with the TV on! GAH! I also always have to have the last word with myself and I can't admit when I'm right or wrong either. Frodo Baggins thought he had it tough with Gollum, he's fucking lucky he never ran into me!!!!
I really do need to get back on track here don't I? I MUST convey what an angel of a person Christina is and how damn lucky I have been to have her in my life as a friend and more importantly as a companion of love. She sees me for all that I am, who I am when I don't even know who&what I am on a regular basis, and she accepts me, faults and all. Admittedly while I have uncovered buried wounds in therapy, I haven't been exactly easy to deal with but she has exhibited patience and understanding full tilt; she deserves the moon. I just hope I can do right by her from this moment on because she's so wonderful and I'm... me for better or worse.
Ultimately as I wrote the last time, at the end of the day where I wind up going, who I am going to become, etc. lies within myself. I have the power as we all do to shape our destinies. It's been an eye opening journey to say least thus far and there's still plenty of work to be done, improvement to be made. I just want to thank all of you for sticking with me and keeping me grounded, remembering what is truly important and just how much good I have right now.
I'll let U2 close this one out:
"With or Without You"
See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
My hands are tied
My body bruised, she's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
Oh...oh...oh...
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you |
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| Death Has Come To Your Town |
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| 10:13am 31/10/2009 |
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Happy Halloween people!!!
I just wanted to inform you, my loyal readers, that I shall be dressing up as a plug tonight and the lovely Christina will be dressing up as my outlet. Now I want you to visualize such a combination and have fun trying to sleep tonight! I'm looking at YOU specifically Ket Makura!!!!!
Matt |
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| Like Attracts Like.. Love Yourself and You'll find Love.. |
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| 11:44am 19/10/2009 |
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More details to come but I can happily announce I am no longer single. As I wrote in my current Facebook status.. this news is likely to cause sadness amongst the female population but I can honestly say everyone was on an even playing field. Christina just happned to steal my heart first by being so damn wonderful.
My apologies for my recent updates being written like tweets but I am writing them in between tasks.. I am a multi-tasker you know! A multi-tasker madly in love! :)
Matt |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| It's All In The Magic Touch |
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| 11:12pm 16/10/2009 |
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I told you guys I was going to be making things happen and low and behold it's a prophecy I have fulfilled. This whole time I felt something empty deep within and it took me awhile to realize what that was; love. Pure love from someone I genuinely care about and love being around and all I had to do was seize the perfect opportunity when it was staring me in the face. Honestly I had nothing to lose as Julia has long moved on and is likely to marry her new beau in the immediate future. Am I not entitled to the same type of gratification? Sure maybe I was foolishly previously filling that void with alcohol but that hardly made me a bad person, but those days are finished. I still have to ask the person in question if the feelings I have are reciprocated but based on her actions the last few weeks it's almost a lock her reply will be yes and then we move on from there.
It truly seems as if all my hard work in therapy, taking my medication, and shaping a new outlook in life is paying off and it's gratifying. So many look down upon me and second guess without proper knowledge to the point I take pure joy in telling them to officially fuck off. Things are coming together and it can only get better from where I sit.
Matt |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| Fuck It, I Guess The Alcohol's To Blame |
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| 03:40am 11/10/2009 |
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I can't sleep and I'm down to the last drop of Whiskey so paint me an unhappy camper at the moment. Not really feeling like confronting my feelings (that's what Tuesday's therapy session is for) so who knows what the hell I will do in the mean time. Add to the mix the fact that an obvious budding relationship still doesn't seem like it'll actually happen because I don't know if she even feels the same way not to mention bullshit being spewed by outside parties when it doesn't even concern them in the least bit. She could be what I need but of course I can't have it.. not yet anyway.
Ah hell.. I'm going to just mix a few of my pills with the rest of the comfort I have at my finger tips and cut my losses for the moment. Just in an awful mood right now and ot likely to apologize for it either.. I feel what I feel and believe me it's not because of choice.
Good times are ahead though.. I'm making things happen and they'll wind yielding positive results. Doesn't do me fuck all right now but booze is my closest friend and she's never left me behind yet.
Matt |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| The Update: Still Crazy, A Bit Hungry, and In Need of Urgent Advice |
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| 02:41am 30/09/2009 |
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he last time I wrote about the happenings in my life I was about to head off into therapy, wondering if the good doctor would look inside my wild mind and be able to begin cleaning up the mental mess she'd find inside. More importantly I was stressing over whether or not the magazines in the waiting room would be of high quality or even up to date for that matter.
Addressing the latter, I can honestly report that the mags SUCK!!!!! My goodness I don't mean to come off as a whiner but is it asking for too much for something good to read before being examined from every which way? I go to Mental Health because I'm INSANE! I'm an absolute weirdo and the last thing I need is to be trapped sitting in a full room of people with nothing to divert my attention! It ends to become quite awkward if you're kept waiting long and everyone else sitting there thinks you're looking at them. It doesn't help most of them are ugly :-P
Now I can picture you guys sitting at your computer with a look of disgust/shock/anger over the fact I have to endure such a thing but no doubt wondering what magazines do they have to offer anyway.
Women's Health, a Parenting magazine for Women, outdated and useless as it is Time Magazine and a People Magazine from August 2008. What an embarrassment! If I offered up People Magazine I'd wear a paper bag over my head and keep it permanently hung in shame. Thank goodness for my addiction to political books and the wonderful world of Amazon because otherwise I'd go over the edge of insanity and never return!
Oh yeah.. the whole therapy thing.. I guess I should touch upon that as secondary as it is. It's a cliche but there has been a TON of self-discovery and a realization of things that had been staring me in my (incredible handsome) face the whole time.
Remember that note from December 08? Lots of bitter, incessant rambling, blaming people, anger, suicide threats? Lot of good that did me eh? Some concerned citizen called local law enforcement and I found myself minus my socks in a gown being quizzed by someone that might have been involved in the Frost/Nixon debacle. I was determined to find out who that was person was and give them a wedgie since as of this writing I'm still not much of an actual fighter. But now I realize the only person to blame for that inane rant was myself. All that time I was lashing out against those that were less than kind to me in the past, I failed to understand it only bothered me to the brink of not wanting to live anymore because I allowed it. I was always in complete control and always placed more importance on acceptance from everyone than I ever needed to; in that process I built up a wall and unfortunately never let some great people in soon enough and they only were able to see a small glimpse of who I really was/wanted to be.
It's been a struggle having to deal with the fact that because of my previous bouts of low self-esteem/anger that the lasting impression I left on a ton of people wasn't a good one. Being so wrapped up in self-pity rather than actually do something to improve the quality of my life, actually loving myself had damaging consequences and I still carry around that regret to this day. I am far removed from what people saw out of me and so few get to see it first hand. Basically all I can do is continue to work at life from my new perspective and never forget to appreciate those who have stuck by me through all the bullshit and can see me for who I have become. With a clear mind and a new attitude I have total appreciation for everyone in my life at the moment, friends and family alike. Most are lucky to have even a few people as their support system and I've blessed with plenty to the point I almost don't even feel worthy of it all.
It doesn't come easy though; every time I look in the mirror I have to tell myself it all begins with me and how I feel about myself. Obviously I still care about the opinions that matter most to me but if I'm not happy, it ends there with no wiggle room. At the end of the day I can only be me and I have to accept that's not always going to be everyone's cup of tea. Actually I guess it depends on what type of tea we're even talking about. I like to consider myself Sweet Tea which is highly, highly enjoyable. Ice tea's good but green tea is essentially grass blended with water and has no business even being a beverage let alone a member of the tea family. Once I'm done with this note I'm writing my local congressmen to have it banned from the town of Newton, if not the entire state of Jersey!!
*Ahem*
Anyway I've had to really form an entirely new identity since my relationship with Julia ended back in May. So much of my life/likes/identity was tied to her and when she dumped me I didn't even know who I was at that point (though not entirely knowing who I was had been an issue long before we began dating so don't think I am blaming her for anything). At first it was a lonely, depressing road I traveled as after all I spent nearly 6 years with a wonderful girl in my life and suddenly it ended and she was with someone else. We still keep in contact ,and in fact I saw her last evening for an hour chat, and I can't help but miss her and feel as if everything positive going on in her life I should be part of. And again that goes back to me being responsible for it. I took too long in getting the help I'd required for the longest time and by that point she couldn't handle it anymore. I completely get that and I am grateful beyond belief we have at least maintained a friendship out of it all.
And so my search for a new romanced has commenced! I'm a likable fella with a good sense of humor, tons of height and an expertise on grapes so what is there not to love right?? Surely I can find a girl crazy enough to tolerate my absurd humor and penchant for random dancing (whether or not there's music) and fall in love with me eh? I've enjoyed the independence single life has given me but I will never be able to shake the need for female companionship, the opportunity to love and be loved. It's a fantastic feeling.
I'm taking small steps in rebuilding my life but in the future I do see myself married with two kids (girls so I can be THAT father all you sleazy males fear!!!). This too will be a struggle because up until therapy I never had the confidence to make a move and see where it would lead me; assuming failure would be the instant result was far easier than making a genuine effort. Not everything will work out as I want them to and remembering that's okay is the key element. Far be it from me to announce this but I am going places and I will become a house hold name in some shape or form. I don't call myself America's favorite mover, shaker, and deal breaker because it's catchy ya know! It's an absolute truth!
In all honesty though allow me to thank you guys for sticking by me online and offline. Without your support I'd likely be in a padded room with a warm jacket minus sleeves. Actually depending on what they'd be serving for meals that might not be so bad... :O
Meanwhile I'd like to thank Dr. Oz for causing my Mom to become a total germa-phobe.
Ever since that nutty disciple of Oprah got his own show, she's begun to live her life according to his supposed gospel and it's unbearable!! While I realize the information he puts forth is accurate and very revealing but come on Ma, his word isn't the end all be all. Besides if we're going to live by the word of Dr. Oz, I'm going to live by the word of Dr. Seuss. We're talking cats in hats, red fish, blue fish, green fish, and the damn ham had better be served with green eggs if we're shooting for longevity in life!!!
I suppose for now I've written enough and got you, my loyal readers, up to speed. Who knows what will be written in the upcoming chapters but I'm sure it'll give me good material!
I'll let The Rolling Stones close this one out..
"Paint it Black"-The Rolling Stones
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens every day
I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then Ill fade away and not have to face the facts
Its not easy facing up when your whole world is black
No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the setting sun
My love will laugh with me before the morning comes
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
Hmm, hmm, hmm,...
I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
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Read 1 - Post |
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| DVD Update |
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| 01:47pm 31/07/2009 |
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1. Wolf Creek: Unrated Edition
2. Cujo
3. UFC 1: It All Begins
4. UFC 95
5. UFC 96: Jackon vs. Jardine
I know what most of you are thinking... DAMN this fella has a serious addiction! It's all he writes about! The reason is I don't have a PC where I'm living and I never really have the time to write about the most recent events in my life and if I don't havw the proper time I don't want to toss out a half assed entry because as odd as it sounds I care about the quality. The DVD Updates are just a way to let you guys know I'm still among the living and still collecting!
Matt |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| DVD Update |
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| 05:51pm 19/07/2009 |
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1. Halloween (2007 remake;Unrated Director's Cut)
2. Extreme Rules 2009
Matt |
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Post |
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| DVD Update |
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| 06:44am 12/07/2009 |
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1. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2-Disc Ultimate Edition)
2. Friday The 13th Part V: A New Beginning (Deluxe Edition)
Part V was so bad it was good. If you want to laugh your ass off, listen to the commentary done by the director and two of the primary stars of the film. An absolute riot!
Matt |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| DVD Update |
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| 03:48pm 03/07/2009 |
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1. The Hills Have Eyes 2
2. Judgement Day 2009
Matt |
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Post |
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| DVD Update |
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| 10:01pm 13/06/2009 |
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1. Backlash 2009
2. Rest Stop: Unrated Edition
3. Taking Lives
4. Macho Madness: The Randy Savage Ultimate Collection
Matt |
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johnny_nitro's journal